meanderings of my mind...

Sometimes I write...although not as much as I used too...and this is just some thoughts from last Friday.
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Who I am.......

Sometimes I wonder if I rally know who I am...what makes me, me?  Sometimes I am afraid that I am only what I think people expect me to be.  Right now I am afraid I am just a part of the person I hope to become.  Right now I am very unhappy...disillusioned you might say with myself and I am not really sure why.  I'm not sure that I am living up to my potential, whatever that might be.

I am a wife, even though it doesn't really feel like it right now.  It's kind of hard to see myself in the role as a wife when I don't have a husband here.  Don't misunderstand, I love my husband with all of my heart its just hard not to think about me, me, me while I am the only one here.  Not only am I a wife, but I am a military wife with all of the extra complications that brings with it.  I don't even know if I am a good wife, I suppose there is so much more I could do to show my husband overseas that he has my love and support.

I think one of the reasons I am feeling lost right now is because I feel like there was so much more expected out of me than what I have become.  Am I better than my current situation?  I don't absolutely love my job...does that mean its time to move on?  Why is it that I say I want to be a stay at home mom but feel like people look down on me when I tell them...why do I even care?  Why does the thought of finding a new job terrify me to the point of no action?  Now we are talking about trying for a baby coming up soon and now I feel like I am not ready.  There is so much I thought I would have done, seen, accomplished by the time I had kids and I don't feel like I have done everything that I want to do, seen everything that I want to see.  That's crazy though right...I know your life changes when you have a child, but its not like it ends.  There is so much stuff I could still do/see with a child, even if it is not within the next 3-5 years.

Am I really just lazy and unmotivated?  Is that why my house is not fully organized or decorated, even after 6 months of living here?  Is that something I can change about myself?  I never really thought I was a lazy person but I am feeling so more often recently. 

Can I honestly call myself a member of the Sonrise church family when I haven't been once since Michael left?  It was like this during his last deployment too and I thought for sure this time it would be different, seeing as how I only live 5 minutes away...but so far no.  Do I really go for myself or do I go for Michael?  He grew up going to church on Sundays...I did not.  It is something he feels the need for every Sunday but oftentimes I feel like there is other more important stuff to do.  What could possibly be more important?!  Maybe that's my issue...maybe that would solve everything.  Well, not solve it but help me cope with the way I feel about it all so I can open my heart/mind to the correct path.

So who am I...I am a military wife who just realized I do not do enough to show my husband that he has my love and support.  I am a future mom who doesn't necessarily want to stay in the work force, but is afraid to leave it.  I am a woman who needs to start caring less about what others expect from me and learn to just do what makes me happy.  I am a person who still wants to see lots and travel lots and I don't want having a child to make me feel like I have to keep two feet on the ground.  I am a nonregular church member who needs to start going back to church on a regular basis and needs to relearn (or maybe learn for the first time) how to let faith guide me.  I am so many things and so far from perfect, but I am not fatally flawed.  To quote a great line, "We have all got both light and dark inside us.  What matters is the power we chose to act on.  That's who we really are."  I want to act on the light and try to eliminate some of the dark from my life.  One dark thing that comes to mind is a grudge that I am almost ready to let go of...I need to forgive and forget.  I think all of this, along with me feeling like I am not living up to my potential were both brought about by a box pulled out of storage and a little trip down memory lane.......
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Following the inner ramblings of my mind I decided to cancel other plans for Sunday morning and I went back to church for the first time since Michael left.  I took Jess with me and it honestly felt good after not being there for so long.  They all missed me and welcomed me back with open arms, which is one of the things that is so fantastic about the people at Sonrise!!  Normally anytime I thought about going to church without Michael it made me nervous and I usually just convinced myself not to by Sunday morning.  This week I did not have any reservations at all until getting ready to walk in the building and those all vanished as soon as I walked in the door and was greeted by Ed Brock so warmly.  Ed is the pastor (but is stepping down) and he was the person who married Michael and I.  There were actually a lot of families gone that day so I didn't get to see several people but we had a guest pastor and the sermon was really good.  Overall it was a very positive experience and exactly what I needed it to be!  Jess and I are already planning on going again next week. 

Much love,
Lis